Amnesia

Once Kay got home from work, she just wanted to lay in bed and be held.  I held tight against me.  I wanted to comfort her, but I knew this was treading dangerous waters for me.  I tried to keep my lust under control.  We started kissing.  Passionately. She bite my lip and nibbled my chin.  My body writhed.  I wanted her so bad, but there was nothing I could do.  It was up to her.  She needed to be ready and only she would know when that would be.

We made out for what seemed like forever, but was probably more like 20 minutes.  She admitted that she was testing to see if she were ready to move forward or not.  My heart pounded and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  I imagine it's like a heroin addict having their drug sitting on the table in front of them, but their hands tied.

Torture.  Absolute torture.  But at the same time, it increased my arousal.  It was a tease.  It was like being handcuffed or strapped to the bed.

Finally Kay pulled me on top of her and we made love. I rode her, my pussy on hers. It felt absolutely amazing.  I wanted to close my eyes and savor it, but I didn't. I kept my eyes locked on hers. I wanted her to know that I was thinking of her, that I was making love to her, and that I loved her. I wanted to reconnect with her. And I think it made the orgasm even more intense.  We came together.

When you fuck, you don't look the person in the eyes. When you make love you do.

I felt so high afterward. Like nothing else in the world mattered, like no one else in the world could possibly tempt me. It was like it was only me and her, always had been, and always will be.

Considering all of this makes me feel even more like an addict. When I go without my drug, I start to have withdrawal.  I shake and feel sick and anxious.  I start to become irritable, angry, depressed, and if I don't get a hit, I have a breakdown.  But once I do finally get that hit, I'm on this incredible high and all the pain melts away as if it never existed.

Sex causes amnesia.

Losing Faith

I'm still not sure if I am ready to change.  I don't know if I'm even capable of quitting my addiction.  But what I do know is, if I don't do something, I'm going to lose everything.

My girlfriend called me on her lunch break and I told her how I've been looking for support groups and that I found one to go to tomorrow evening.  I also admitted to her I'm struggling because I'm having an incredible, almost unbearable urge to have sex or to masturbate.

There is a coldness, through the phone line that I can feel.  Her response was a quick reply of "go for it" in regard to the support group.  I either have some sort of emotional./spiritual/mental connection to her or I know her well enough to know her thoughts.  I know she wasn't happy about me being horny.  I push her into divulging her feelings.

"I just don't know the extent that things will return to normal," Kay explains.  "It was just yesterday."

Great.  She doesn't know when she will want to have sex with me again. It's understandable and I'm not really surprised, but it's the very last thing a sex addict wants to hear. I feel myself wanting to give up right then and there.  A part of my body wants to leave her, though everything in my heart and soul speaks differently.

I'm starting to wonder if it will be like it was with my ex all over again--where we try to fix it, but the cheating always comes back and puts a wedge between us. I don't want it to be over with Kay, but I'm losing faith in the relationship.  No.  That's not true.  I'm losing faith in myself.

Am I Really a Sexaholic?

The first question I want to know is, am I really a sexaholic?  Do I really have a sexual addiction?  So I took an online quiz called the SAST.  The Sexual Addiction Screening Test.  It can be found at http://www.sexhelp.com/sast.cfm
Here are my honest answers to the questions:

So, based on my answers, I don't think it is going to take an expert to guess what my results are.  No drum roll is needed.  Perhaps instead a "ba-dum-ching."

But just for fun, let's see what the "experts" determined.  Results:

We have compared your answers with people who have been diagnosed with sex addiction. Your answers HAVE MET a score on basis of six the criteria that indicate sex addiction is present. To help you understand, the graphic below plots your score in relation to the scores of others.

People!  Do you see this graph?  Do you know what this means? This chart is telling me that, not only am I a sex addict, I'm almost off the chart! I'm shocked.  I'm terrified.  I'm still in denial. In addition there are certain subscales to further confirm that a problem exists. The following patterns emerged in your answers: · A profile consistent with women who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior · A profile consistent with sex addicts who struggle with sexually compulsive behavior on-line The SAST measures key characteristics of addiction. The following dimensions of an addictive disorder appeared in your answers: · Preoccupation: obsessive thinking about sexual behavior, opportunities, and fantasies · Loss of control: inability to stop behavior despite commitments to self and others and despite problems caused by behavior · Relationship disturbance: sexual behavior has created significant relationship problems · Affect disturbance: significant depression, despair, or anxiety over sexual behavior

So, in layman's terms:  I'm a certified sex-crazed maniac.

For years I've joked around with friends about me being a nymphomaniac and we all laughed.  But deep inside of me, I hid a secret.  It was a secret I tried to keep hidden even from myself.

I wasn't ready to say, "My name is Lolita and I'm a sexaholic."  It didn't seem real after just one test, so I took about a half dozen more.  Each with the same result.  "You are a freak!"

Now what?  I guess I need help, but from where?  I had tried therapy before several times and it ended up bad!  I will go into that more later.

I start doing some research and come across support groups, including Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous.  They follow the same 12-step process of Alcoholics Anonymous, but just replace a couple words to apply it to sexual addiction.

Here I am, online, researching self-help, counseling, support groups, etc.  Yet, all this talk of sex has got me unbearably horny at the moment to the point I almost feel sick.  It certainly doesn't help that I fucked Em for so long and so hard yesterday that my whole body aches.  The constant soreness is a reminder of the amazing sex, and every movement I make arouses me. It makes me want her.  God, I am truly fucked up. 

I'm starting to become terrified of the whole process.  Am I really a sex addict?  A sex drunk?  Can I really quit my sexual behaviors and become sexually sober?  Do I even really want to?

Will fixing the present mean I will have to deal with the past?  I'm scared to address my childhood.  I've tried therapy in the past and it ended up being more than I could handle.

I feel terribly alone right now.  A support group could be the perfect answer for me, but at the same time, I'm afraid that I will just be tempted to sleep with the people in the group!