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Monday, September 27, 2010

Crawling in My Skin

Oh. My. God.  I am crawling in my skin.  I am so unbearably horny.

Kay came and sat on the bed to talk to me. She rested her foot on my office chair, right between my legs, and it rubbed against my pussy. She didn't mean to. But now I'm so aroused, it's unbearable. I can't ask her for sex after what has happened. I have to let her come to me when she is ready. This is so hard.

The temptation to act out is so strong. I feel like I don't have the strength right now. It's just too much. I want to give up. But I can't. Well, I could, but I don't REALLY want to.

Em (my former mistress) and I had been e-mailing back and forth a couple of times.  Just casually. We've been checking in on each other to see how the other is dealing with everything since the big, unanticipated reveal.

I knew I was stepping close to the line by e-mailing her, and now I've crossed over it.  I ended up asking her to meet me.  She hasn't responded.

This is hard. So fucking hard.

Currently, I'm bouncing around in my chair like I did the time the psychiatrist put me on Celexa.  You can't put someone who is suspected to be bipolar on an SSRI alone.  Duh.  Even I knew that.  But the psychiatrist didn't believe I was.  Boy, did I prove him wrong.  Next office visit, he couldn't get me to stop yammering on and on, talking a mile a minute.  Finally he had to practically shout over me, "Okay, okay.  You're bipolar."

I'm in constant movement, despite reamining seated in my office chair. My legs bounce up and down as if I'm running a marathon. And when I get up and go to the kitchen, I can't just stand in one place either.  It's like I'm wearing moon shoes.  Or maybe I should be wearing moon shoes.

I can't focus on my work at all. I keep checking my Facebook, checking all my e-mails, hoping to hear from Em, scared to hear from Em.

This is withdrawal.

Kay didn't want to go to work.  She has never seen me like this before and was afraid to leave me.  I promised her I would be okay.  But can I honestly promise myself that?

I took my mood stabilizer early, hoping that it will help calm me down.  It usually makes me sleepy, and I think I can already start to feel it kick in.  I'm going to take a nap and hopefully will feel better when I awake.

I'm hoping for sweet, wet, satisfying dreams.