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Friday, October 1, 2010

Depression, Suicide, and Hope

The depression has become very overwhelming. It's getting hard not to follow Jay's advice and off myself.

I told Kay that she should message Jay and tell her I cut my wrists and she found me unconscious.  Tell her they took me away in an ambulance to the hospital where I was in surgery for almost eight hours.  Say that I have had to receive blood transfusions and haven't regained consciousness yet.  And have had to be put on ventilatory support.

Maybe that would teach her something.

Then again, maybe she would reply with "good."

And that would just make everything worse.

I've thought about messaging Em with a suicide note and tell her to not bother calling the police because they won't be able to find me to stop me.

I've thought about going to Jay's house and shooting myself in the head in front of her.
I've really got to stop ruminating over these things. It certainly isn't helping anything.

I just feel so alone. I feel like I don't have any friends. They have either moved away or I've pushed them away because I come on too strong.  I flirt with all of them.

I'm addicted to the "flirtation game."  I'm addicted to lust.  I'm addicted to the feeling of being lusted after.

I'm an addict.

Everyone I meet, I think of as a possibility.  Someone to play the game with.  Some I could possibly seduce.

And now I feel like I have no one.  Except Kay.  And look how I've disrespected her.

I messaged a friend I thought I could really count on and asked her for her support.  I told her I needed her help to get through this.  She didn't respond.  Is it because she is mad at me?  Does she not want to be friends anymore?  Is she just too busy?  It hurts.  It fucking hurts.

The mutual friends, Kay and I share have all been messaging her, checking in on her, making sure she is okay.  I messaged them too and told them I need their support, do they check on me?  No.

I'm alone. I'm just fucking alone.

All I could do was lay in bed and sleep.  What else can I do? I can't face this pain anymore.

I'm trying to hard to find relief.

I tried the comfort food thing again.
Nothing really seems to work more than just temporarily.

A big part of this painful feeling was rejection from Em.  She not wanting me in her life was bringing me down so much.

Grasping at straws, I e-mailed her.  Here is what I wrote:

I promise, this will be the last time you will hear from me, unless you initiate contact and tell me otherwise. Jay has passed along that you said you want me out of your life and to quit trying to contact you. I will certainly respect that. I just wish you would have just told me yourself because I would have completely understood. I just want you to know that I never meant to do anything to hurt you, offend you, or disrespect you.

You ARE very important to me and I care about you immensely. I wish you nothing but happiness and success in life with whatever path you choose.

I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused you. Since Jay's message that you want me out of your life, I have been really struggling. I feel absolutely awful that I have caused you to harbor such feelings about me.

I am continuing with the support meetings and I have been given contact information for a sponsor. I really like the meetings and am ready to become a happier, healthier person.

I hope you find a lifetime of happiness and good health too. I will from now on respect your desire for me to leave your life, but if you ever need anything, please don't hesitate. There will always be a place in my heart for you. Sincerely...me

I wrote this with the hope that Jay lied.  I wrote this with the hope that she will "un-reject" me.  I wrote this with hope.

However, I don't have much faith in my hope.