A few days ago, I had given into temptation and e-mailed my ex-mistress, Em. I had asked her to meet with me. I never heard back.
Today Jay, Em's (ex?) girlfriend, sent Kay a message telling me to stop trying to contact Em, that neither of them want me in their life. That hurt.
Not because of Jay. I could care less about her and her feelings about me.
It hurt that Em told Jay that she was communicating with me. It hurt that Em didn't want me in her life anymore. I had a feeling that Em was upset with me. I had tried to contact her several times since I had asked about meeting. And nothing. I saw this coming, but I didn't want to accept it.
Maybe Jay lied.
There's nothing, absolutely nothing, that I fear more than rejection.
I'm feeling pretty depressed, so I took half an antidepressant to try and make me feel better. I take Lexapro 10 mg and have been for about 6 years now. It has worked really well for me with no side effects. I also take Lamictal 300 mg a day as a mood stabilizer. I have been taking Lamictal for 7 years with a few increases over the years. Also a great medicine for me with no side effects.
I'm trying to do things to make me feel better and get my mind off things. Kay and I went to Steak and Shake for dinner. Nothing quite like good food and ice cream to comfort a person. Didn't work as well as I had hoped.
We went to a "talent show" at the local university put on by the theater department. We have several friends who are theater majors. It was a lot of fun and I was able to escape for a bit and laughed a lot, but I have that nagging, hurt feeling still.
They say time heals all wounds. But I have scars. So many scars. Will this wound scar me too?
But maybe a scar can serve as a reminder of the pain I have caused myself and others. Maybe a scar can keep me from repeating my mistakes. Maybe a scar, as ugly as it is, can be a good thing.
I hope I scar.
