I feel better after messaging Em. If anything, it gives me a sense of closure. I wanted to end things on a positive note with her. I hope this does it.
I keep thinking "she'll be back. It will be awhile, but I will hear back."
I don't know if I'm really sensing this or if it is just hope. Because I'm afraid.
I hate that I have this attachment to her. I'm not in love with her. Not at all.
I'm in love with the lust she had for me. I'm in love with attention. I'm in love with acceptance. I'm in love with being sexually attractive to someone.
Probably because so much of my life I have hated myself.
I'm lonely without Em. She and I talked almost every day and often for long periods of time. We kept in closer contact with each other than I do with any other friend. Now I feel so alone without her. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore.
I looked into the bipolar support group Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (http://www.dbsalliance.org/). I attended the group for awhile about six years ago. They have one about a half hour away. I think I'm going to start going. I need people to talk. I need to be around others. I need to make friends.
I'm sick of feeling isolated.
I'm starting to get tempted to act out sexually. I thought about going on craigslist to look at the girl-seeking-girl ads. So far I have been able to avoid it.
I tried to seduce Kay. She was in reading in bed. I climbed into the bed naked and massaged her feet and rubbed her back.
She wasn't interested. Rejection.
Right now, I feel like Hope is my only friend. Hope is my lover. I just hope that Hope doesn't reject me.
