I've recently gained a lot of insight into myself.
My whole childhood revolved around sex. Incest, molestations, rape, sex with my girl friends, and masturbation dominated my life from the ages of about five until fourteen. It felt all of my peer relationships involved sex, including the relationship with myself.
The friendships I had with girls that included sex lasted for years. The friendships with no sex, never lasted.
I grew to associate love and friendship with sex. I began to believe that unless I was satisfying someone sexually, I was useless to them. I felt like an object.
I still have all of those feelings. But now they are more than just feelings. They are habits. They are ingrained into me.
Every friendship I have with a girl, I try to seduce them. Even if I'm not attracted to them. It just feels like it is a given. Like it is suppose to happen.
When I have my affairs and flings, I find that when I sex with them, I am more concerned with pleasing them than with being pleased myself. I want to hear them orgasm. I want to hear them tell me I'm good and amazing. I want them to desire me and lust after me. I want them to want more of me.
I realized why that is. Because I want to be of worth. I want to be worth something to someone. I want someone to think I'm something special. That I'm good at something and good for something.
After all, I'm just an object. An instrument to use. What good is a knife that doesn't cut? Or a car that doesn't run? Or me that doesn't sexually please?
They are all useless.
When I engage in flirting, I flower the person with praise of their beauty and sexiness. I constantly reassure them how much I want them. Sometimes I do it and I do not even really mean it. That's what I did with Em. I lied to her about being attracted to her and that I thought she was beautiful.
I do it because I want to hear it back. I want to hear that I'm beautiful and sexy and desirable. Maybe they would be lying to me, like I've lied to some of them. It doesn't matter. I just want to hear it because then maybe I will believe it. And it just might be true.
So now that I know all of these things, what do I do with this knowledge?
I have to correct my thoughts and change my way of thinking. I have to find self-worth.
That should be easy, right?
