I Came

So I went to my first support group meeting.  I feel like we spent most of the time just fucking around.

Okay.  Time to drop the lame jokes for awhile.  Oh, but don't worry, it will only be for awhile.

For about the hour before the meeting, I got really anxious and irritable.  But once I got there, I quickly relaxed.  There were only five other attendees, all men. I liked that it was a small group and I liked that it was all men.  I'm not afraid of what other people will do to me.  I'm afraid of what I will want to do with other people.  As a lesbian in a group of all men, I feel safe.

Though I was a typical girl and cried my way through it, I was able to open up about myself and explain to the group what brought me there.  For once in my life, outside of talking to Em (the girl I had the affair with) I didn't feel like a freak.  I never really had anyone before Em that I could talk to about my hypersexuality and feel understood.  Now I have this group.  And it is a safe place to talk about my addiction.

That was the big problem with Em and me.  We understood each other.  All too well.  Jay wasn't satisfying her.  They were only having sex about once a month.  I don't know how she survived.  That would have killed me.  At this time, Kay and I were having sex anywhere from once to three times a week.  It was the one time weeks that were really killing me.  Well, honestly, the three times weeks were too.

For the first three months of our relationship, Kay and I were having mind-blowing, best sex of my life every day, sometimes multiple times a day and for extended periods of time.  She couldn't get enough.  I thought I had found my dream girl.  And then, BAM---no, that's not right--And then ...[crickets chirping].

Out of the blue, it just stopped.  It wasn't a slow tapering off.  We had been flying high, and then all of a sudden, we crash landed.  It became a constant battle with Kay and me over the next year.  I tried so hard to stay faithful, but temptations were everywhere and I'm a "loose lesbian on the loose."

Then Em came into my life.  It started off as innocent flirting.  I actually tried to resist her advances.  At this point in time, I decided I didn't want to screw things up with Kay.  I really love her and am otherwise extremely happy.  My attempts at avoidance extended to the point that I was showing Kay all the messages between Em and me, just so I could keep myself out of trouble.  But it didn't last.  It wasn't long before the messages stayed between Em and me.

Flirtation for me is a like a taking a shot.  I get a buzz.  But soon I began to thirst.  I started spending more and more time messaging Em, chatting with her, texting her.  Each communication is like a small sip.  Before long, I crave it.  I began spending more and more time fantasizing about her.  While I laid in bed trying to sleep.  While I masturbated.  Even while having sex with Kay.  The lust had spread like a cancer.  It was consuming all of my time.  Time I should have been sleeping, working, spending with Kay.

I felt drained.  Dehydrated.  The sips were not satisfying me.  I itched.  I crawled in my skin.  It was painful.  I needed my drug.  Not just a drink.  I needed to consume all of her.

We made plans.  Em and her girl (who was my best friend) lived an hour away and Em worked second shift.  Jay was out of town for work.  We lied.  We said her battery died and she needed me to "jump her."  I jumped her all right.  We fucked for hours.  So hard, the bed slide several feet across the room.

It was satisfying, but within a week, I wanted another hit.  She had to come into town for a doctor's appointment.  I met up with her and we got a hotel room.

The next time was at the house again.  But that time we got caught in the act (see other post, "Caught in the Act).

Tonight, I found myself at a meeting for sex addicts.  I wasn't ready to say outloud, "I'm Lolita and I'm a sex addict."  Not at my first meeting anyhow.

I know it inside of me that I have a sex addiction.  Admitting it, seriously admitting it outloud, is not as easy as thinking it or typing it.  But I know it is going to be absolutely necessary if I am going to beat this.

Next week.  Next meeting I will say it.