The G-word

I've been stuck at the first step of the 12-step program for several months now.

Besides the fact that I am not really willing to give up my addiction at this time, I am also stuck because of the big G word that shows up starting in step 2.

God.

I grew up Mormon, and I was intensely wrapped up in it for a long time, to the point of unhealthiness; however, the one good thing I can say about that time in my life was that I had a strong spiritual connectedness.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of bad things happen in my life, and I became angry.  Like many people, I directed my anger toward God, and I lost faith.

I am definitely not in a place where I can believe in God.  But I am in a place where I am starting to feel a spiritual connection once again.  My belief is that it comes from those who love me and have passed on.

I find the more I turn to them and the more I listen to my "intuition," the more I receive guidance and assistance.

So what do I do about the 12 steps?

Curtesy of Agnostic Alcoholic's Anonymous in NYC, I found this great alternative to the 12-step program:
http://www.agnosticaanyc.org/12steps.html

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe and to accept that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity. [Original: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.] 3. Made a decision to entrust our will and our lives to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who have searched before us. [Original: Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.]   4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.   5. Admitted to ourselves without reservation, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. [Original: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.]   6. Were ready to accept help in letting go of all our defects of character. [Original: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.]   7. With humility and openness sought to eliminate our shortcomings. [Original: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.]   8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.   9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.   10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.   11. Sought through meditation to improve our spiritual awareness and our understanding of the AA way of life and to discover the power to carry out that way of life. [Original: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.]   12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I would like to try and move forward using these steps, and I will try to keep you updated on how well that works out for me.