Sexting

I got drunk last night and sent a Facebook message to the girl who I had "kissed and liked it."  I suppose I should give her a name...Hmm...How about Alyssa?  Works for me.

I said to her, "I have been drinking tonight and wish you were here to take advantage of me in my drunkedness...what would you do to me?"

Alyssa's response:  "Hmmm...well first I would have to you out of your clothes...I mean drunkedness doesn't really go with clothing lol...there would be very passionate kissing...your lips...neck...chest, then licking/sucking/biting your nipples...kising your stomach, pelvis...moving down so I can taste you...kissing your inner thighs...then your clit...licking sucking...feeling your wetness with my fingers and tasting you with my tongue...burying my face deep in your pussy, sucking up all your juices when you explode...how does that sound? ;)"

Me:  "Now I'm lying in bed all alone with a wet pussy.  I wish you were here."

Alyssa:  "Hmm...I definitely wish I could help you with that."

I have spent the whole day today thinking about that and being wet.

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It

I've been working with this sexy redhead for about three months now.  I've had my eye on her from the first day.  One, because she set off my gaydar, and two, because I thought she was hot.

Eventually, I found out she was married and had a kid, but that doesn't mean much to me.  I know girls well enough to know that it doesn't mean much to them either.

I added her as a friend on Facebook this past Monday and the banter began immediately.  The next day at work, she was even more friendly than normal, even playfully pushing into me from behind.

Wednesday she told me she was getting either a lip or tongue piercing done and asked me if I wanted to come along.  Of course I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up.

We exchanged cell numbers and the flirting intensified.

Me:  "I'm so looking forward to seeing you get stabbed."

Her:  "Hmm...you're a little sadistic, eh? ;)"

Me:  "Only when it comes to you."

Her "Mmmhmmm....What did I do?"

Me:  "I think you know.  You need to sit in the corner and think about it.  You can come out when you are able to use your nice words and talk about it...I'm going to go to bed now.  Good night bad girl"

Her:  "You have no idea. ;)"

Me:  "Hmm...I look forward to knowing."

Her:  "Definitely looking forward to sharing"

Next day...

Me:  "How you feeling about tonight?  Excited?  Anxious?  Scared?"

Her:  "Ehhh, no, not yet."

Me:  "I didn't mean about the piercing, I meant about hanging out with me. ;)"

Her:  "lol, no.  I'm looking forward to that ;)"

She picked me up and we began talking.  She started out with little comments like, "my ex-girlfriend bought me this jacket." And occasionally found some reason or another to pat my leg or squeeze my knee.

I could tell she was a bit nervous.  Almost missing her turns.  Running a red light.  I teased her about being intimadated by  me.  She said she was with a playful laugh.

Eventually it came out that she and her husband were swingers and that she has been into girls for a long time.

I knew it.  I sensed this about her.  I was right.

After she got pierced, we went and got a drink.  Scooting closer and closer together at the table.  Our legs were touching, my hand on her knee.  She gave me seductive glances as we talked about me coming over to her place to watch movies soon.  Her coming over to my place to play Rock Band.  I knew she wanted me.

I could feel myself burning for her.  I could feel myself getting wetter.

After a drink, we walked out to the car.  We joked about being drunk and were bumping into each other's sides as we walked.  Dangerously close to one another.  I could feel the gush inside me.  We got in the car.

God dammit, why didn't I kiss her right then?

She drove me home.  God dammit, again.  Now I have to worry about being seen.  I was looking at the house, wondering if Kay would be looking out the window.  My heart was beating so fast.

I knew she wanted to kiss me.  I wanted to kiss her too.  I wanted to fuck her.  I knew she wanted to fuck me too.

My heart was pounding, hoping to god that Kay wasn't watching.  I leaned over and hugged her goodbye,  but then I pulled back enough so that we could kiss.  Just soft and brief.  A tease of the tongue.  Enough to give her a taste.  And to leave her wanting more.

But it also meant that I was left wanting more too.

So fucking horny, and I knew I wouldn't be getting any from Kay.  She's got the flu.

We parted and I went in the house.  I got a text:

Her:  "I had a good time.  Do it again.  Soon!  :)"

Me:  "Me too.  Definitely."

Awhile later...

Me:  "Damn girl.  I wish we had more time together.  But soon enough, we will be able to finish where we left off."

Her:  "Definitely.  For sure.  ;)"

Missing Motivation

My name is Lolita and I'm a sexaholic.  My sexual sobriety is...three days.

It was suppose to be one month.  I had been so excited to get that one month chip.  But I blew it.  I couldn't wait two minutes for Kay to get back from the bathroom.  And I masturbated.  Throwing away a month of sobriety.

I was looking forward to talking at the meeting tonight.  I had a lot I wanted to share and needed to get off my chest.  But, there was a new person at the meeting tonight.  When a new person comes, the format of the meeting changes.  There wasn't enough time for me to talk.

I almost started crying at the end of the meeting.

I ended up staying after and talking to one of the group leaders.  I talked to him a bit about what I've been going through lately.  I got the name and number of a lady to call about being my sponsor.  Now I just have to find the courage and motivation to call.

I also need to find the courage and motivation to call my psychiatrist's office tomorrow and schedule an appointment for a medication increase.  I'm still struggling with my bipolar disorder.  I'm no longer hypomanic.  Now I'm having crying spells.

I seem to be missing the motivation lately.

Did I Just Fail?

Tonight my girlfriend and I had absolutely amazing sex.  We stopped and Kay got up and went to the bathroom.  I was still revved up and raring to go.  I was laying on my stomach and just the sheets rubbing against my clit were stimulating me to the brink of another orgasm.

I couldn't resist it.

I made myself come twice.  In less than a minute.

Kay did come back from the bathroom and we started fucking again.

My questions are:  Does it count against me?  Do I count that as "sex with myself?"

If so, I just lost my sexual sobriety.

I told Kay about it and asked her what she thought.  She looked a bit disappointed in me, but then said she didn't think it counted.  But I don't know if she really believes that.  I don't think she really thinks it doesn't count.

If I failed, then what's the point?  I might as well just go buck wild, right?

I don't know.

I'll have to ponder it some more.

What Am I Doing?

ME:  Good morning!  Any more hot dates with the shower head?

GIRL 1:  Of course I have had more dates!  Our relationship is progressing quite nicely and I'm quite monogamous.

ME:  Maybe it's my Mormon upbringing that makes me a polygamist, but I think monogamy is overrated.  If I ever come to visit you, hopefully you're shower head is into threesomes.

GIRL 1:  I've spoken to my shower head, who is surprisingly flexible and open to new experiences.
......................................................................................................

ME:  When I get my degree, I will hire you as my personal secretary and we will have a torrid affair like bosses and secretaries do

GIRL 1:  Absolutely.  On the desk, on the couch, chairs, floor, etc.  It's a tradition that must be followed!

ME:  LOL what a godawful tradition, I just don't know if I could do that!  Damn...I wish I could hire you RIGHT NOW!

GIRL 1:  I'm sure we would be quite the team.  Naturally, I would have to do whatever you said, what with you being the boss and all.

ME:  Well, I do tend to be dominant...but because I usually am, it really turns me on when I'm dominated.  Just something for you to keep in mind, love.  So, I think I'm going to lay down for a bit and dream about you.

GIRL 1:  Sweet dreams!
.........................................................................................................

ME:  I want to go rollerblading so bad, but I'm tied to the computer until midnight.

GIRL 2:  I can think of better things to tie you to!!!

ME:  Don't think it, do it.

GIRL 2:  Well I would if I could!  About five months before you can come visit, huh?

ME:  I think I need to work on moving that date up.
................................................................................................

Girl 1 and Girl 2 are a twelve-hour drive away, so there's no chance I'm going to be hooking up with them any time soon, but without a doubt, if they were here, I would be in bed with them now.  Hell, maybe even both of them at the same time.

I can't stop.

Part of me doesn't want to stop.  That's what's scary.

I tried to call my psychiatrist today to make an appointment.  I am going to see about getting my medication dosage titrated up.  I'm hoping it will help calm my hypomania, as well as my hypersexuality.  Unfortunately, I forgot the office closed at noon today and tried to call at 12:30.

Maybe I should go to a support meeting tomorrow.

I'm failing

GIRL 1:  "Since we talked, I've been having some dates with the hand-held shower head."

ME:  "Sorry I couldn't be there to help you out with that."

GIRL 1: "Oh, you helped.  I thought about you."

.....................................................................................

ME:  Think of me as you're falling asleep, then your day will end on the perfect note.

GIRL 2:  Dont worry love I do every night!!! lol!!

ME:  Don't worry darling, dreams do eventually come true ;) 

GIRL 2:  My dreams of you? or life?

ME:  Me of course...I hope they're good.

GIRL 2:  You're always good! Especially in my dreams!!! LOL!!!

ME:  Good...but naughty...I'm very good at being naughty.

GIRL 2:  You are in my dreams too!

ME:  So...when you coming to visit me? lol or i could come up there

GIRL 2:  Ok

ME:  Turn down the sheets, I'll be there in 5

GIRL 2:  Im waiting!!!!

...........................................................................

ME:  Naughty, naughty, naughty.  We are bad girls.  But I am a nympho.  Just keepin' it real.

GIRL 2:  Me too.

ME:  Damn....girl you would be in so much trouble if I were there.

GIRL 2:  Please?!?!

ME:  Baby, I would like to see you beg for it.

GIRL 2:  I can beg if you want.

ME:  Sometimes I would want you to beg.  Other times, I want you to dominate me.

GIRL 2:  I could that.  That's how I like it.

ME:  Me too.  Pull my hair, scratch me, bite me.  PLEASE don't stop!

GIRL 2:  Okay, I need to go to bed now.

ME:  "Think" of me.

GIRL 2:  I will!!!!

...........................................................................

GIRL3:
About a month ago, GIRL 3 actually was on her way over to my house and we had every intention on having sex, but then Kay last minute called into work because she had lost a file of her homework and needed to redo it.  I had cheated on my ex with GIRL 3.

GIRL 3 and I have been talking about her coming over to "play Rockband."  I don't know if that is her real intention, but my real intention is to seduce her.

Does this sound like a person in recovery?  What the hell am I doing?

I'm failing.

My First Step

My earliest recollection of sexual experience is hard to give a definitive age to.  I know it could have been as early as three, but was definitely not any older than seven.  I was a victim of incest that encompassed anywhere from seven to ten years of my life.

I also was having sex with my female friends with the onset, again, around three to seven years old.  That continued with four or five female friends until I was around the age of eleven.  I also discovered masturbation around seven years old.

All of these behaviors, the incest, the sex with my friends, and the masturbation were taking place on a fairly consistent basis.

Masturbation became a sexual release, a relief from boredom, and an escape from feelings of depression and emotional pain.  At times, masturbation in the presence of another was a way for me to avoid having to engage in sexual contact with them.  Often times, I would masturbate to the point of exhaustion or until I simply could not feel anything anymore.  My body would be sore for days after.

Throughout my life, I constantly had to be in a relationship with someone, since elementary school.  I always had to have someone to hold my hand, make-out with, or have sex with.  If the person who was supposed to be my significant other wasn’t available, I found someone who was.  It didn’t matter whether I thought they were attractive or not.  It didn’t matter if my family or friends approved.  All that mattered to me was that they were there.  All that mattered was that I felt loved or attractive or comforted.

It is safe to say that I have cheated in every relationship I have ever had, and sometimes carried on with as many as three relationships at the same time.

I've gone through relationships like water.

I used the high that I got from intimacy and/or flirting to make me feel better about myself because really I despised myself.  I measured my self-worth by whether someone thought I was attractive or wanted me romantically.  All ready at 11 years old, the boys were starting to refer to me as “desperate.”

I grew up Mormon.  The Mormon Church has very strict guidelines in regards to sex.  Absolutely no sexual contact outside of marriage and no masturbation were allowed.  The guilt and shame I felt were overwhelming.  I spent many hours on my knees begging for forgiveness, pleading for the strength to overcome the temptations to act out.  I felt alone and lost in utter darkness.  I made promise after promise to God that I would never act out again.  But I did, over and over.  Countless times I tried to quit and countless times I failed.

I became suicidal at a very young age, again, at an elementary school age.  Even making attempts.

During some of my sexually traumatic experiences as a child, I started dissociating myself.  I shut myself down to what was happening to me so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of it.  This became a problem.  When I separated from my body, I left myself more vulnerable to lust.  At times it was like my soul and my conscience were  ripped out of me and I became nothing more than a vessel filled with lust.  I had lost all sense of what was appropriate and what was not.  Nothing mattered other than fulfilling my sexual desires.  As much as I wanted to, I felt like I couldn’t stop what was happening.

There were times I masturbated while driving.  I have had sex in public places:  The post office, clubs, public restrooms, cars, at school in the stairway.  At friend's houses without their permission or knowledge.

I had sex with people who I didn’t even like.  I lowered my standards.  I often objectified women.  I thought as every friend was an opportunity.  I flirted and made dirty jokes all the time hoping for attention, in hopes to be lusted after.

Any time someone smiled at me, was friendly to me, I twisted it in my head, believing that they lusted for me.

I ruined many friendships from my lust and from pursuing them, which in turn pushed them away.  I lost friendships because of my jealousy at the attention they were giving to someone else.­ I even destroyed a friendship because I slept with my best friend’s girlfriend.

When I was 16 years old, I started dating a guy.  I was also dating two other guys at the time.  I eventually broke up with the other two to concentrate on this new relationship.  At first I really liked him because he was always there for me.  Soon it got to be too much.  He really was always there.  I couldn’t get him to leave me alone.  I would try and break up with him and he just wouldn’t leave.  He had my family and other people at church fooled and they all liked him and they pushed me into staying with him.  Eventually they pushed me into marrying him at 19 years old.  I was just too emotionally weak to fight the pressure.

Shortly after marrying him, I knew I was gay.  I tried really hard to fight it.  I fasted and prayed constantly to be “healed.”  The shame and guilt and pain that I was feeling in my life eventually lead me to start cutting myself.

I began flirting with girls all the time.  Even my brother's girlfriends.  I was consumed with lust, fantasizing all the time.  I tried everything to get girls' attentions, to the point that I tried to get them to pity me by unloading all my problems on them.

I began buying and renting lesbian movies and watching them while my husband was at work.  I started engaging in online relationships with other girls.  I would estimate that I spent approximately 25 hours a week engaging in flirting, cybersex, watching movies, masturbating, and simply being consumed with lust.

My husband was extremely physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive, so after five years I left him.

I immediately ended up in a relationship with a woman.  Once I actually got into a relationship with a woman, I felt absolutely no shame or guilt about it.  It felt very natural to me and I was very happy.  We were very happy for quite awhile as she kept me sexually satisfied, but after the honeymoon phase started to wear off, she stopped wanting sex with me as often.  My lust resurfaced and I returned to my old behaviors; again spending around 25 hours a week engaging in flirting, cybersex, masturbating, etc.

I was acting out a lot of my sexual behaviors on my work computer and during my work hours.  I was putting my job in jeopardy.  This was especially problematic because my job is production-based pay.  Because of my time-consuming sexual behaviors, I lost income.  I began charging up credit cards to pay the bills.  I also began buying things compulsively to compensate for the feelings of rejection I had because my partner at the time was not able to meet my insatiable emotional and sexual desires.

I ended up cheating on her and after five years together, I eventually left her for another woman.  That relationship didn’t last long and I ended up tens of thousands of dollars in debt, kicked out of the house, all alone, with no furniture, nowhere to live, no car, and two dogs to feed.

What else to do but find another relationship? So immediately put my efforts into that.  It was taking up time that I should have been devoting to my studies and ended up leading me to get a C in a class when normally I’m a straight A student.

About two years ago I met my current partner, "Kay".  Things started out great.  We were having sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day.  It seemed like I had found the perfect person for me; however, she also knew how easy I was.  She knew that I could never say to sex, and she used it to manipulate me.  She took advantage of me.

I really wasn't ready to commit to a new relationship, and she used sex to keep grasp of me.  If I tried to break it off with her, she used sex to suck me back in.  Where I was living, I wasn't suppose to have guests and sometimes I just wanted space.  I would ask her to go home at night, but she didn't want to.  She would seduce me so I would let her spend the night.

In time, I did fall in love with Kay.  But one day, my ex shows up at the door.  She wanted to see the dogs and "talk."  I tried to resist her, but she pushed me to sex.  I couldn’t say no.  I wanted to.  I tried to, but I just couldn’t.  I ended up crying in the middle of it because I was ashamed of my weakness and for cheating on my current partner.  It made me feel violated.  It made me suicidal.

My partner, Kay was able to forgive me; however, about a month later, a friend of mine expressed an interest in me.  We were flirting back and forth.  But this friend was also someone my best friend, "Jay," was pursuing but had been rejected by.  Well, Jay found out that this girl and I were flirting around and she was angry and felt betrayed by me.  She went almost a year without talking to me and of course my partner found out.  I had hurt her again, but she forgave me again.

Soon the sex with my partner, Kay, was no longer every day.  This of course became a problem for me.  I was pressuring her for it.  The more I asked for it, the more I pushed her away and the worse it made the situation.  It became a constant, almost weekly fight for us.  I began lusting again and engaging in all my old behaviors, spending numerous hours online.

After some time, my old best friend Jay came back into my life.  And you can read my first post to find out what happened in regard to that.  The short version, I ended up in bed with her girlfiend, and eventually we ended up getting caught by Jay.

I have come to realize that I really have become powerless over sex and lust.  I don't have the strength to say "no," even though at times I have really, truly wanted to.  My life has become unmanageable.  My lust and sexual addiction has disrupted my life, the life of my family and friends, my career, and my relationships with my significant others.

I admit that I am addicted to lust and am a sex addict.  I admit that I need help and I cannot do it alone.