As I had been feeling pretty manic and activated, especially for the last couple of months, I went to see my psychiatrist. She believed I was taking too much serotonin. For someone with bipolar disorder, too much serotonin means likely mania. My doctor first recommended I drop my Lexapro to half a pill a day, which put me at 5 mg a day.
I was still feeling somewhat activated, so on my followup appointment we decided to try me on 5 mg every other day.
A week and a half later, I don't think it is working out. It's hard to know for sure as I have been sick with bronchitis, PMS'ing, and having an affair.
But I have been more emotional. I've been telling my friends I feel more "girly." What I mean by that is I haven't really wanted sex, but instead feel like I just want to be held and cuddle. Completely unlike me, after all, I am a sex addict. I've also been sappy and crying easier. And I've started questioning whether I'm falling for Alyssa.
Sure I was concentrating better at work. Most would consider my current sex drive as more "normal," and as I am suppose to be trying to recover from sexual addiction, I should consider it be a good thing. But it doesn't feel right to me. I don't like it at all. Especially the lack of sex drive. Especially the feeling of falling for Alyssa.
So I decided to go back up to 5 mg every day.
Let's see how that works out for me.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sexting
I got drunk last night and sent a Facebook message to the girl who I had "kissed and liked it." I suppose I should give her a name...Hmm...How about Alyssa? Works for me.
I said to her, "I have been drinking tonight and wish you were here to take advantage of me in my drunkedness...what would you do to me?"
Alyssa's response: "Hmmm...well first I would have to you out of your clothes...I mean drunkedness doesn't really go with clothing lol...there would be very passionate kissing...your lips...neck...chest, then licking/sucking/biting your nipples...kising your stomach, pelvis...moving down so I can taste you...kissing your inner thighs...then your clit...licking sucking...feeling your wetness with my fingers and tasting you with my tongue...burying my face deep in your pussy, sucking up all your juices when you explode...how does that sound? ;)"
Me: "Now I'm lying in bed all alone with a wet pussy. I wish you were here."
Alyssa: "Hmm...I definitely wish I could help you with that."
I have spent the whole day today thinking about that and being wet.
I said to her, "I have been drinking tonight and wish you were here to take advantage of me in my drunkedness...what would you do to me?"
Alyssa's response: "Hmmm...well first I would have to you out of your clothes...I mean drunkedness doesn't really go with clothing lol...there would be very passionate kissing...your lips...neck...chest, then licking/sucking/biting your nipples...kising your stomach, pelvis...moving down so I can taste you...kissing your inner thighs...then your clit...licking sucking...feeling your wetness with my fingers and tasting you with my tongue...burying my face deep in your pussy, sucking up all your juices when you explode...how does that sound? ;)"
Me: "Now I'm lying in bed all alone with a wet pussy. I wish you were here."
Alyssa: "Hmm...I definitely wish I could help you with that."
I have spent the whole day today thinking about that and being wet.
Friday, November 19, 2010
I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It
I've been working with this sexy redhead for about three months now. I've had my eye on her from the first day. One, because she set off my gaydar, and two, because I thought she was hot.
Eventually, I found out she was married and had a kid, but that doesn't mean much to me. I know girls well enough to know that it doesn't mean much to them either.
I added her as a friend on Facebook this past Monday and the banter began immediately. The next day at work, she was even more friendly than normal, even playfully pushing into me from behind.
Wednesday she told me she was getting either a lip or tongue piercing done and asked me if I wanted to come along. Of course I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up.
We exchanged cell numbers and the flirting intensified.
Me: "I'm so looking forward to seeing you get stabbed."
Her: "Hmm...you're a little sadistic, eh? ;)"
Me: "Only when it comes to you."
Her "Mmmhmmm....What did I do?"
Me: "I think you know. You need to sit in the corner and think about it. You can come out when you are able to use your nice words and talk about it...I'm going to go to bed now. Good night bad girl"
Her: "You have no idea. ;)"
Me: "Hmm...I look forward to knowing."
Her: "Definitely looking forward to sharing"
Next day...
Me: "How you feeling about tonight? Excited? Anxious? Scared?"
Her: "Ehhh, no, not yet."
Me: "I didn't mean about the piercing, I meant about hanging out with me. ;)"
Her: "lol, no. I'm looking forward to that ;)"
She picked me up and we began talking. She started out with little comments like, "my ex-girlfriend bought me this jacket." And occasionally found some reason or another to pat my leg or squeeze my knee.
I could tell she was a bit nervous. Almost missing her turns. Running a red light. I teased her about being intimadated by me. She said she was with a playful laugh.
Eventually it came out that she and her husband were swingers and that she has been into girls for a long time.
I knew it. I sensed this about her. I was right.
After she got pierced, we went and got a drink. Scooting closer and closer together at the table. Our legs were touching, my hand on her knee. She gave me seductive glances as we talked about me coming over to her place to watch movies soon. Her coming over to my place to play Rock Band. I knew she wanted me.
I could feel myself burning for her. I could feel myself getting wetter.
After a drink, we walked out to the car. We joked about being drunk and were bumping into each other's sides as we walked. Dangerously close to one another. I could feel the gush inside me. We got in the car.
God dammit, why didn't I kiss her right then?
She drove me home. God dammit, again. Now I have to worry about being seen. I was looking at the house, wondering if Kay would be looking out the window. My heart was beating so fast.
I knew she wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her too. I wanted to fuck her. I knew she wanted to fuck me too.
My heart was pounding, hoping to god that Kay wasn't watching. I leaned over and hugged her goodbye, but then I pulled back enough so that we could kiss. Just soft and brief. A tease of the tongue. Enough to give her a taste. And to leave her wanting more.
But it also meant that I was left wanting more too.
So fucking horny, and I knew I wouldn't be getting any from Kay. She's got the flu.
We parted and I went in the house. I got a text:
Her: "I had a good time. Do it again. Soon! :)"
Me: "Me too. Definitely."
Awhile later...
Me: "Damn girl. I wish we had more time together. But soon enough, we will be able to finish where we left off."
Her: "Definitely. For sure. ;)"
Eventually, I found out she was married and had a kid, but that doesn't mean much to me. I know girls well enough to know that it doesn't mean much to them either.
I added her as a friend on Facebook this past Monday and the banter began immediately. The next day at work, she was even more friendly than normal, even playfully pushing into me from behind.
Wednesday she told me she was getting either a lip or tongue piercing done and asked me if I wanted to come along. Of course I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up.
We exchanged cell numbers and the flirting intensified.
Me: "I'm so looking forward to seeing you get stabbed."
Her: "Hmm...you're a little sadistic, eh? ;)"
Me: "Only when it comes to you."
Her "Mmmhmmm....What did I do?"
Me: "I think you know. You need to sit in the corner and think about it. You can come out when you are able to use your nice words and talk about it...I'm going to go to bed now. Good night bad girl"
Her: "You have no idea. ;)"
Me: "Hmm...I look forward to knowing."
Her: "Definitely looking forward to sharing"
Next day...
Me: "How you feeling about tonight? Excited? Anxious? Scared?"
Her: "Ehhh, no, not yet."
Me: "I didn't mean about the piercing, I meant about hanging out with me. ;)"
Her: "lol, no. I'm looking forward to that ;)"
She picked me up and we began talking. She started out with little comments like, "my ex-girlfriend bought me this jacket." And occasionally found some reason or another to pat my leg or squeeze my knee.
I could tell she was a bit nervous. Almost missing her turns. Running a red light. I teased her about being intimadated by me. She said she was with a playful laugh.
Eventually it came out that she and her husband were swingers and that she has been into girls for a long time.
I knew it. I sensed this about her. I was right.
After she got pierced, we went and got a drink. Scooting closer and closer together at the table. Our legs were touching, my hand on her knee. She gave me seductive glances as we talked about me coming over to her place to watch movies soon. Her coming over to my place to play Rock Band. I knew she wanted me.
I could feel myself burning for her. I could feel myself getting wetter.
After a drink, we walked out to the car. We joked about being drunk and were bumping into each other's sides as we walked. Dangerously close to one another. I could feel the gush inside me. We got in the car.
God dammit, why didn't I kiss her right then?
She drove me home. God dammit, again. Now I have to worry about being seen. I was looking at the house, wondering if Kay would be looking out the window. My heart was beating so fast.
I knew she wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her too. I wanted to fuck her. I knew she wanted to fuck me too.
My heart was pounding, hoping to god that Kay wasn't watching. I leaned over and hugged her goodbye, but then I pulled back enough so that we could kiss. Just soft and brief. A tease of the tongue. Enough to give her a taste. And to leave her wanting more.
But it also meant that I was left wanting more too.
So fucking horny, and I knew I wouldn't be getting any from Kay. She's got the flu.
We parted and I went in the house. I got a text:
Her: "I had a good time. Do it again. Soon! :)"
Me: "Me too. Definitely."
Awhile later...
Me: "Damn girl. I wish we had more time together. But soon enough, we will be able to finish where we left off."
Her: "Definitely. For sure. ;)"
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Missing Motivation
My name is Lolita and I'm a sexaholic. My sexual sobriety is...three days.
It was suppose to be one month. I had been so excited to get that one month chip. But I blew it. I couldn't wait two minutes for Kay to get back from the bathroom. And I masturbated. Throwing away a month of sobriety.
I was looking forward to talking at the meeting tonight. I had a lot I wanted to share and needed to get off my chest. But, there was a new person at the meeting tonight. When a new person comes, the format of the meeting changes. There wasn't enough time for me to talk.
I almost started crying at the end of the meeting.
I ended up staying after and talking to one of the group leaders. I talked to him a bit about what I've been going through lately. I got the name and number of a lady to call about being my sponsor. Now I just have to find the courage and motivation to call.
I also need to find the courage and motivation to call my psychiatrist's office tomorrow and schedule an appointment for a medication increase. I'm still struggling with my bipolar disorder. I'm no longer hypomanic. Now I'm having crying spells.
I seem to be missing the motivation lately.
It was suppose to be one month. I had been so excited to get that one month chip. But I blew it. I couldn't wait two minutes for Kay to get back from the bathroom. And I masturbated. Throwing away a month of sobriety.
I was looking forward to talking at the meeting tonight. I had a lot I wanted to share and needed to get off my chest. But, there was a new person at the meeting tonight. When a new person comes, the format of the meeting changes. There wasn't enough time for me to talk.
I almost started crying at the end of the meeting.
I ended up staying after and talking to one of the group leaders. I talked to him a bit about what I've been going through lately. I got the name and number of a lady to call about being my sponsor. Now I just have to find the courage and motivation to call.
I also need to find the courage and motivation to call my psychiatrist's office tomorrow and schedule an appointment for a medication increase. I'm still struggling with my bipolar disorder. I'm no longer hypomanic. Now I'm having crying spells.
I seem to be missing the motivation lately.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Did I Just Fail?
Tonight my girlfriend and I had absolutely amazing sex. We stopped and Kay got up and went to the bathroom. I was still revved up and raring to go. I was laying on my stomach and just the sheets rubbing against my clit were stimulating me to the brink of another orgasm.
I couldn't resist it.
I made myself come twice. In less than a minute.
Kay did come back from the bathroom and we started fucking again.
My questions are: Does it count against me? Do I count that as "sex with myself?"
If so, I just lost my sexual sobriety.
I told Kay about it and asked her what she thought. She looked a bit disappointed in me, but then said she didn't think it counted. But I don't know if she really believes that. I don't think she really thinks it doesn't count.
If I failed, then what's the point? I might as well just go buck wild, right?
I don't know.
I'll have to ponder it some more.
I couldn't resist it.
I made myself come twice. In less than a minute.
Kay did come back from the bathroom and we started fucking again.
My questions are: Does it count against me? Do I count that as "sex with myself?"
If so, I just lost my sexual sobriety.
I told Kay about it and asked her what she thought. She looked a bit disappointed in me, but then said she didn't think it counted. But I don't know if she really believes that. I don't think she really thinks it doesn't count.
If I failed, then what's the point? I might as well just go buck wild, right?
I don't know.
I'll have to ponder it some more.
Friday, October 22, 2010
What Am I Doing?
ME: Good morning! Any more hot dates with the shower head?
GIRL 1: Of course I have had more dates! Our relationship is progressing quite nicely and I'm quite monogamous.
ME: Maybe it's my Mormon upbringing that makes me a polygamist, but I think monogamy is overrated. If I ever come to visit you, hopefully you're shower head is into threesomes.
GIRL 1: I've spoken to my shower head, who is surprisingly flexible and open to new experiences.
......................................................................................................
ME: When I get my degree, I will hire you as my personal secretary and we will have a torrid affair like bosses and secretaries do
GIRL 1: Absolutely. On the desk, on the couch, chairs, floor, etc. It's a tradition that must be followed!
ME: LOL what a godawful tradition, I just don't know if I could do that! Damn...I wish I could hire you RIGHT NOW!
GIRL 1: I'm sure we would be quite the team. Naturally, I would have to do whatever you said, what with you being the boss and all.
ME: Well, I do tend to be dominant...but because I usually am, it really turns me on when I'm dominated. Just something for you to keep in mind, love. So, I think I'm going to lay down for a bit and dream about you.
GIRL 1: Sweet dreams!
.........................................................................................................
ME: I want to go rollerblading so bad, but I'm tied to the computer until midnight.
GIRL 2: I can think of better things to tie you to!!!
ME: Don't think it, do it.
GIRL 2: Well I would if I could! About five months before you can come visit, huh?
ME: I think I need to work on moving that date up.
................................................................................................
Girl 1 and Girl 2 are a twelve-hour drive away, so there's no chance I'm going to be hooking up with them any time soon, but without a doubt, if they were here, I would be in bed with them now. Hell, maybe even both of them at the same time.
I can't stop.
Part of me doesn't want to stop. That's what's scary.
I tried to call my psychiatrist today to make an appointment. I am going to see about getting my medication dosage titrated up. I'm hoping it will help calm my hypomania, as well as my hypersexuality. Unfortunately, I forgot the office closed at noon today and tried to call at 12:30.
Maybe I should go to a support meeting tomorrow.
GIRL 1: Of course I have had more dates! Our relationship is progressing quite nicely and I'm quite monogamous.
ME: Maybe it's my Mormon upbringing that makes me a polygamist, but I think monogamy is overrated. If I ever come to visit you, hopefully you're shower head is into threesomes.
GIRL 1: I've spoken to my shower head, who is surprisingly flexible and open to new experiences.
......................................................................................................
ME: When I get my degree, I will hire you as my personal secretary and we will have a torrid affair like bosses and secretaries do
GIRL 1: Absolutely. On the desk, on the couch, chairs, floor, etc. It's a tradition that must be followed!
ME: LOL what a godawful tradition, I just don't know if I could do that! Damn...I wish I could hire you RIGHT NOW!
GIRL 1: I'm sure we would be quite the team. Naturally, I would have to do whatever you said, what with you being the boss and all.
ME: Well, I do tend to be dominant...but because I usually am, it really turns me on when I'm dominated. Just something for you to keep in mind, love. So, I think I'm going to lay down for a bit and dream about you.
GIRL 1: Sweet dreams!
.........................................................................................................
ME: I want to go rollerblading so bad, but I'm tied to the computer until midnight.
GIRL 2: I can think of better things to tie you to!!!
ME: Don't think it, do it.
GIRL 2: Well I would if I could! About five months before you can come visit, huh?
ME: I think I need to work on moving that date up.
................................................................................................
Girl 1 and Girl 2 are a twelve-hour drive away, so there's no chance I'm going to be hooking up with them any time soon, but without a doubt, if they were here, I would be in bed with them now. Hell, maybe even both of them at the same time.
I can't stop.
Part of me doesn't want to stop. That's what's scary.
I tried to call my psychiatrist today to make an appointment. I am going to see about getting my medication dosage titrated up. I'm hoping it will help calm my hypomania, as well as my hypersexuality. Unfortunately, I forgot the office closed at noon today and tried to call at 12:30.
Maybe I should go to a support meeting tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I'm failing
GIRL 1: "Since we talked, I've been having some dates with the hand-held shower head."
ME: "Sorry I couldn't be there to help you out with that."
GIRL 1: "Oh, you helped. I thought about you."
.....................................................................................
ME: Think of me as you're falling asleep, then your day will end on the perfect note.
ME: Don't worry darling, dreams do eventually come true ;)
GIRL 2: My dreams of you? or life?
ME: Me of course...I hope they're good.
GIRL 2: You're always good! Especially in my dreams!!! LOL!!!
ME: Good...but naughty...I'm very good at being naughty.
GIRL 2: You are in my dreams too!
ME: So...when you coming to visit me? lol or i could come up there
GIRL 2: Ok
ME: Turn down the sheets, I'll be there in 5
GIRL 2: Im waiting!!!!
ME: Naughty, naughty, naughty. We are bad girls. But I am a nympho. Just keepin' it real.
GIRL 2: Me too.
ME: Damn....girl you would be in so much trouble if I were there.
GIRL 2: Please?!?!
ME: Baby, I would like to see you beg for it.
GIRL 2: I can beg if you want.
ME: Sometimes I would want you to beg. Other times, I want you to dominate me.
GIRL 2: I could that. That's how I like it.
ME: Me too. Pull my hair, scratch me, bite me. PLEASE don't stop!
GIRL 2: Okay, I need to go to bed now.
ME: "Think" of me.
GIRL 2: I will!!!!
GIRL3:
About a month ago, GIRL 3 actually was on her way over to my house and we had every intention on having sex, but then Kay last minute called into work because she had lost a file of her homework and needed to redo it. I had cheated on my ex with GIRL 3.
I'm failing.
ME: "Sorry I couldn't be there to help you out with that."
GIRL 1: "Oh, you helped. I thought about you."
.....................................................................................
ME: Think of me as you're falling asleep, then your day will end on the perfect note.
ME: Don't worry darling, dreams do eventually come true ;)
GIRL 2: My dreams of you? or life?
ME: Me of course...I hope they're good.
GIRL 2: You're always good! Especially in my dreams!!! LOL!!!
ME: Good...but naughty...I'm very good at being naughty.
GIRL 2: You are in my dreams too!
ME: So...when you coming to visit me? lol or i could come up there
GIRL 2: Ok
ME: Turn down the sheets, I'll be there in 5
GIRL 2: Im waiting!!!!
...........................................................................
ME: Naughty, naughty, naughty. We are bad girls. But I am a nympho. Just keepin' it real.
GIRL 2: Me too.
ME: Damn....girl you would be in so much trouble if I were there.
GIRL 2: Please?!?!
ME: Baby, I would like to see you beg for it.
GIRL 2: I can beg if you want.
ME: Sometimes I would want you to beg. Other times, I want you to dominate me.
GIRL 2: I could that. That's how I like it.
ME: Me too. Pull my hair, scratch me, bite me. PLEASE don't stop!
GIRL 2: Okay, I need to go to bed now.
ME: "Think" of me.
GIRL 2: I will!!!!
...........................................................................
GIRL3:
About a month ago, GIRL 3 actually was on her way over to my house and we had every intention on having sex, but then Kay last minute called into work because she had lost a file of her homework and needed to redo it. I had cheated on my ex with GIRL 3.
GIRL 3 and I have been talking about her coming over to "play Rockband." I don't know if that is her real intention, but my real intention is to seduce her.
Does this sound like a person in recovery? What the hell am I doing?
I'm failing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
GIRL 2: Dont worry love I do every night!!! lol!!