Mind Games

Alyssa pissed me off the other night.

We were at my internship and everyone had left.  It was just me and her.  They had let everyone go early because of inclement weather, so my girlfriend and her husband wouldn't have been expecting us for awhile anyway. Of course I wasn't going to miss this opportunity to try to seduce her.

We were walking out when I pressed her up against the wall, threw all the stuff she had been holding down on the floor, and started kissing her.  Her tongue deeply entered my mouth, and mine into hers.  I slipped my hand under her shirt, running my fingers down her sides, and felt goosebumps erupt over her skin.  I cupped her breast with one hand and grabbed her ass with the other as I kissed her neck.  I then ran my finger along the waistline of her pants and grabbed her belt.  I asked, "Are you sure you have to go right now?

She said she did because her husband was freaking out about the weather and that I should think of it this way, "it will only make you want me more"....and then she added, "and make me want you more."

I should have fought her on it, I'm sure she would have caved, but I'm just not like that.

She took me home, and I set her up to get "revenge" for leaving with the girl's version of "blue balls."  Blue clit, perhaps?

I sent her a text saying, "Baby, you made my pussy so wet."

She responded, "Mmmm, I wanna taste that."

In return, I said, "Well, you could have. I was right there in your hands, and you let me slip away.  Maybe next time you will take advantage of me."

I wanted her to feel like she missed out.  I did want to make her really miss me.

She texted back, "I will keep that in mind next time."

I've decided I want to play a little hard to get and make her come begging to me.  I want the feeling back of her pursuing and trying to seduce me, and I want to be the one in control of what happens next.

In the beginning, it was her that was pursuing me, and once I knew she was interested, I became the one initiating and putting her in control.  This often left me rejected or disappointed because of her other obligations.

I've had enough of that.

I didn't text her all day yesterday, when I would often text her in the morning, around lunch, and at about bedtime.  She ended up texting me at 10 o'clock last night, "Good night sweetie.  By the way, I left you a present at [my internship].  Sweet dreams."

It seems like my plan is working.  I got her to initiate the conversation with me, instead of me always having to do it.

I replied with "I have a present for you under my clothes."

To which she responded "Mmmm...I can't wait to unwrap that."

After that I didn't text back.

Like I said, I want to "play hard to get," but I also don't want her to think I'm no longer interested or for her to lose interest, so now I have to find a balance.

I didn't text her this morning, but I did around lunch time.  I just said "Hey beautiful.  I've just been thinking of you and hope your day is going all right.  xoxo."

Her response was "Hey gorgeous!  Busy as usual [at work].  Thanks for the well-wishes.  Same to you."

The plan is to not send a text to her the rest of the day, unless she initiates the conversation.

So that's the game right now.

Recent Insight

I've recently gained a lot of insight into myself.

My whole childhood revolved around sex.  Incest, molestations, rape, sex with my girl friends, and masturbation dominated my life from the ages of about five until fourteen.  It felt all of my peer relationships involved sex, including the relationship with myself.

The friendships I had with girls that included sex lasted for years.  The friendships with no sex, never lasted.

I grew to associate love and friendship with sex.  I began to believe that unless I was satisfying someone sexually, I was useless to them.  I felt like an object.

I still have all of those feelings.  But now they are more than just feelings.  They are habits.  They are ingrained into me.

Every friendship I have with a girl, I try to seduce them.  Even if I'm not attracted to them.  It just feels like it is a given.  Like it is suppose to happen.

When I have my affairs and flings, I find that when I sex with them, I am more concerned with pleasing them than with being pleased myself.  I want to hear them orgasm.  I want to hear them tell me I'm good and amazing.  I want them to desire me and lust after me.  I want them to want more of me.

I realized why that is.  Because I want to be of worth.  I want to be worth something to someone.  I want someone to think I'm something special.  That I'm good at something and good for something.

After all, I'm just an object.  An instrument to use.  What good is a knife that doesn't cut?  Or a car that doesn't run?  Or me that doesn't sexually please?

They are all useless.

When I engage in flirting, I flower the person with praise of their beauty and sexiness.  I constantly reassure them how much I want them.  Sometimes I do it and I do not even really mean it.  That's what I did with Em.  I lied to her about being attracted to her and that I thought she was beautiful.

I do it because I want to hear it back.  I want to hear that I'm beautiful and sexy and desirable.  Maybe they would be lying to me, like I've lied to some of them.  It doesn't matter.  I just want to hear it because then maybe I will believe it.  And it just might be true.

So now that I know all of these things, what do I do with this knowledge?

I have to correct my thoughts and change my way of thinking.  I have to find self-worth.

That should be easy, right?

Saturday Night Rumble

Saturday night Alyssa and I got a hotel room.

When we got there. I wrapped my arms around her from behind.  She leaned into me and turned her face back toward me to kiss, but I teased and wouldn't let her.  I kissed her neck, nibbled her ear, and slipped a hand under shirt and ran my fingers across her stomach.  I moved toward her lips, and she leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled away again, and returned to her neck.

Finally, I let her kiss me.  I then turned her around to face me and pulled her body against mine and kissed her deeply.  I pushed her down onto the bed and climbed on top of her.  As I kissed her lips, her neck, and tugged at her hair, she unbuttoned her blouse.  I put my hand behind her back and lifted her up and pulled off her shirt and bra, and she pulled off mine.  She sucked my nipple and gently nibbled it.

I laid her back down and kissed her chest, cupped her breast, and pinched her nipple.  Kissing down her stomach, I tugged off her pants.  My kisses traveled downward and my nails scratched down her side.  I could hear her moan.  Her hips raised off the bed, beckoning for me.

I kissed down further and bit the inside of her thigh. Kissing closer and closer to her clit, but stopping right before it. I blew on her clit, teasing her. Then ran my tongue very lightly across it. She moaned.  I grabbed her hips, pulled her body into my face, and I tasted her.  She was so delicious.

I slowly ran my tongue from her vagina up to her clit multiple times, drinking up her cum.  I finally concentrated on her clit.  Her body tensed, her moans intensified, and she played with her nipples.  I felt her body tremble as she orgasmed.  I pushed my tongue into her vagina as far as I could, and sucked up her juices.  I repeated the process making her orgasm again, and she told me I was amazing.

I slipped out of my pants, laid next to her, and pulled her on top of me.  She grinded her pussy against my thigh.  She put her leg between mine. She rode me until we both came.  I then climbed on top of her and rode her, my pussy grinded against hers, my cum dripped down onto her as I orgasmed.

We rested for a bit, her legs wrapped around me, my head on her chest.

I then returned to her pussy and gave her oral again.  She orgasmed multiple times.  I climbed back on top of her and she kissed me deeply so she could taste herself.

I could tell I had exhausted her, and rolled off, and laid at her side.  Our naked bodies pressed tightly against one another, and we fell asleep.

In the morning, we fucked all over again.  She laid with her back against my chest, and I used my fingers to make her cum.  She then turned around and used her fingers on me and made me orgasm.  I then ate her pussy until my tongue was sore.   I climbed on top of her, kissed her deeply.

But it was time to go, we had to check out of the hotel and get home because a snow storm was starting.

It was a great time.  Later that night we chatted for a bit on Facebook.  She said I was awesome and was like the energizer bunny.  I told her I could have gone longer, I have a lot of endurance, like an athlete I told her.

It's true, I could have fucked her all night, as long as we had little breaks for me to get some hydration every so often.

She was tired though because she had been working overtime all week, plus she had had a couple of drinks, so I'm sure that was making her sleepy.

I missed my sexaholic meeting last night.  It wasn't intentional.  I actually did lose track of time.

But it appears I have derailed from the tracks of recovery at this point.

It's Been One Week...

A week ago I went back up on my Lexapro, taking 5 mg every day.

I think I have found a happy medium.  I'm not as activated as I was at 10 mg, but not as emotional as at 5 mg every other day.

I definitely have my sex drive back.

Things have gotten pretty sexually tense between Alyssa and me.  We have been sexting, sending sexy pictures, and making out several times a week, but it hasn't worked out that we have been able to have sex since the Monday before Thanksgiving.

We had a pretty hot and heavy makeout session tonight, but then she had to go get her son.  I get home and a guy friend is crashing on our couch.  Our place is too small and the couch is right outside our bedroom door.  No sex from Kay tonight either.  It's been several days since we've made love.

I am getting so sexually frustrated.

Alyssa invited me to a party Saturday night and said we could get a hotel room and spend the night together.  That would be amazing.  But I have to try and convince Kay of this.

I need sexual release so bad.

I am heading completely the wrong direction on my recovery.  The addiction is too strong for me right now.  I've gotten to where I don't even want to recover anymore.

Medication Update

As I had been feeling pretty manic and activated, especially for the last couple of months, I went to see my psychiatrist.  She believed I was taking too much serotonin.  For someone with bipolar disorder, too much serotonin means likely mania.  My doctor first recommended I drop my Lexapro to half a pill a day, which put me at 5 mg a day.

I was still feeling somewhat activated, so on my followup appointment we decided to try me on 5 mg every other day.

A week and a half later, I don't think it is working out.  It's hard to know for sure as I have been sick with bronchitis, PMS'ing, and having an affair.

But I have been more emotional.  I've been telling my friends I feel more "girly."  What I mean by that is I haven't really wanted sex, but instead feel like I just want to be held and cuddle.  Completely unlike me, after all, I am a sex addict.  I've also been sappy and crying easier.  And I've started questioning whether I'm falling for Alyssa.

Sure I was concentrating better at work.  Most would consider my current sex drive as more "normal," and as I am suppose to be trying to recover from sexual addiction, I should consider it be a good thing.  But it doesn't feel right to me.  I don't like it at all.  Especially the lack of sex drive.  Especially the feeling of falling for Alyssa.

So I decided to go back up to 5 mg every day.

Let's see how that works out for me.

Sexting

I got drunk last night and sent a Facebook message to the girl who I had "kissed and liked it."  I suppose I should give her a name...Hmm...How about Alyssa?  Works for me.

I said to her, "I have been drinking tonight and wish you were here to take advantage of me in my drunkedness...what would you do to me?"

Alyssa's response:  "Hmmm...well first I would have to you out of your clothes...I mean drunkedness doesn't really go with clothing lol...there would be very passionate kissing...your lips...neck...chest, then licking/sucking/biting your nipples...kising your stomach, pelvis...moving down so I can taste you...kissing your inner thighs...then your clit...licking sucking...feeling your wetness with my fingers and tasting you with my tongue...burying my face deep in your pussy, sucking up all your juices when you explode...how does that sound? ;)"

Me:  "Now I'm lying in bed all alone with a wet pussy.  I wish you were here."

Alyssa:  "Hmm...I definitely wish I could help you with that."

I have spent the whole day today thinking about that and being wet.

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It

I've been working with this sexy redhead for about three months now.  I've had my eye on her from the first day.  One, because she set off my gaydar, and two, because I thought she was hot.

Eventually, I found out she was married and had a kid, but that doesn't mean much to me.  I know girls well enough to know that it doesn't mean much to them either.

I added her as a friend on Facebook this past Monday and the banter began immediately.  The next day at work, she was even more friendly than normal, even playfully pushing into me from behind.

Wednesday she told me she was getting either a lip or tongue piercing done and asked me if I wanted to come along.  Of course I wasn't going to pass this opportunity up.

We exchanged cell numbers and the flirting intensified.

Me:  "I'm so looking forward to seeing you get stabbed."

Her:  "Hmm...you're a little sadistic, eh? ;)"

Me:  "Only when it comes to you."

Her "Mmmhmmm....What did I do?"

Me:  "I think you know.  You need to sit in the corner and think about it.  You can come out when you are able to use your nice words and talk about it...I'm going to go to bed now.  Good night bad girl"

Her:  "You have no idea. ;)"

Me:  "Hmm...I look forward to knowing."

Her:  "Definitely looking forward to sharing"

Next day...

Me:  "How you feeling about tonight?  Excited?  Anxious?  Scared?"

Her:  "Ehhh, no, not yet."

Me:  "I didn't mean about the piercing, I meant about hanging out with me. ;)"

Her:  "lol, no.  I'm looking forward to that ;)"

She picked me up and we began talking.  She started out with little comments like, "my ex-girlfriend bought me this jacket." And occasionally found some reason or another to pat my leg or squeeze my knee.

I could tell she was a bit nervous.  Almost missing her turns.  Running a red light.  I teased her about being intimadated by  me.  She said she was with a playful laugh.

Eventually it came out that she and her husband were swingers and that she has been into girls for a long time.

I knew it.  I sensed this about her.  I was right.

After she got pierced, we went and got a drink.  Scooting closer and closer together at the table.  Our legs were touching, my hand on her knee.  She gave me seductive glances as we talked about me coming over to her place to watch movies soon.  Her coming over to my place to play Rock Band.  I knew she wanted me.

I could feel myself burning for her.  I could feel myself getting wetter.

After a drink, we walked out to the car.  We joked about being drunk and were bumping into each other's sides as we walked.  Dangerously close to one another.  I could feel the gush inside me.  We got in the car.

God dammit, why didn't I kiss her right then?

She drove me home.  God dammit, again.  Now I have to worry about being seen.  I was looking at the house, wondering if Kay would be looking out the window.  My heart was beating so fast.

I knew she wanted to kiss me.  I wanted to kiss her too.  I wanted to fuck her.  I knew she wanted to fuck me too.

My heart was pounding, hoping to god that Kay wasn't watching.  I leaned over and hugged her goodbye,  but then I pulled back enough so that we could kiss.  Just soft and brief.  A tease of the tongue.  Enough to give her a taste.  And to leave her wanting more.

But it also meant that I was left wanting more too.

So fucking horny, and I knew I wouldn't be getting any from Kay.  She's got the flu.

We parted and I went in the house.  I got a text:

Her:  "I had a good time.  Do it again.  Soon!  :)"

Me:  "Me too.  Definitely."

Awhile later...

Me:  "Damn girl.  I wish we had more time together.  But soon enough, we will be able to finish where we left off."

Her:  "Definitely.  For sure.  ;)"