Make Love, Not War

Today has been a tough day for me so far. I had dreams last night about the sexual perpetrators from my childhood, and then just about sex and masturbation in general. It was hard not to wake up and masturbate. Of course, I woke up aroused. Obviously, I woke up wet. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was sound asleep and does not appreciate being woken up for sex.  Unfortunately, masturbation is a violation of "sexual sobriety."

Then in my social psychology class today we were talking about attraction. Our professor showed a clip from Four Weddings and a Funeral.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_uKO6LIWLA

This clip talks about how many sexual partners the character played by Andie MacDowell has had, as well as a little bit of the details of the sexual relationship with each of her partners. This sort of thing is hard to hear without causing you to think about your own sexual experiences. I also began to fantasize. In the movie she has had over 30 sexual partners.  Suddenly I feel so dwarfed. I haven't had even close to that, and it makes me feel competitive all of a sudden.

We also talked about the Bonobo chimps and how they have a make love, not war attitude.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KagyO9zS_ro

(gets "interesting" around 2:45)

Basically, the chimps are constantly performing sexual favors for one another. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely NOT thinking about having sex with a chimp. It just makes me curious about the lifestyle. The idea of living in a community where everyone performs sexual favors for one another and it becomes a conflict resolution.

My childhood often consisted of me resolving internal conflicts with masturbation.  Taking my mind off what was bothering me.  Relieving stress or anxiety.  Or making me feel good when I felt sad or depressed.

It has grown into a coping mechanism.

Sex.  Orgasms.  They are part of my antidepressant regimen..

Needless to say, I am definitely sexually aroused right now. It's hard for me to shake the feelings. It's so tempting to act out.

Examples of acting out for me would entail, masturbating, looking up girl-seeking-girl ads on craigslist, flirting through Facebook or text messages, trying to set up a hookup with someone, or even seducing my girlfriend.  The latter of which, I certainly am going to try to when she and I get home from school today.

Wish me luck.

Catharsis

Oh. My. God!  Can't they just leave us alone?

Em forwarded the last couple of e-mails I sent her to Kay.

Why? Why must Jay and Em continue to try and hurt us. Kay and I are trying to move forward, to heal, and yet they keep putting road blocks in our way.

I understand it, but at the same time, I don't.

At least I had shared with Kay the most recent e-mail (the one where I said goodbye to Em), and Kay also knew of the last couple--where I was just checking in on Em because I was worried about her. 

Kay replied to Em, asking "Why did you send me this?"

And I sent Em a text. I don't know if she got it or not because she didn't respond to it. I said something to the effect that "I wish you nothing but the best. But Kay knew about the e-mails anyway. We are trying to heal and move forward, please stop trying to hurt us. I have done nothing but try to be nice and respectful toward you, please do the same toward me. Again, the offers stands, that if there is anything I can do to help you, I'm here and I wish you nothing but happiness and success. Take care of yourself"

Em sent a response to Kay, "apparently you don't realize that Lolita sent these to me. Please tell her to stop trying to contact me"

It was great though because Kay went off on Em, saying, "Apparently you don't realize that I knew about these e-mails. Lolita tells me things. Tell Jay to quit telling Lolita to kill herself. If you want to be hypocritical, go right ahead, but leave us alone. Quit being such a bitch."

Ha! I love it! Thanks baby. I adore you.

After Em sent the second e-mail I text her again and said, "I don't understand where this hatred toward me came from. You had been nice, and then out of the blue-you shut me out, and now this. I'm sorry if I said something that upset you. I certainly did not intend to. I never would have done anything intentionally. I don't want to cause you any more trouble, please don't cause me any more. Let's just let all this go and move forward. Again, I wish you nothing but happiness."
It hurt so bad.  Kay and me both. They way we are being treated.

But I want to be the bigger, better person.  That is why I tried to be as respectful as possible.  But I wrote a therapeutic letter to Jay, which I of course did not send.

What the fuck do you want? Do you really want me to off myself? Do you REALLY want me to put a fucking bullet in my head?

How would that make you feel? Would that make you feel better? Would my blood on your hands help you sleep at night? Would it really even the score so you can feel justice has been served? Would my dead body be just want you need to move on with your life and be happy?

What kind of sick fuck wants that? What kind of person would find peace in one's death, MY death?

Since YOU so badly want me to kill myself, how about I come into your house, look you in the face, and blow my fucking head off right there in front of you?

And that way, my blood truly can be on your hands, and the spray on your face, and my brains on your wall. Then you can be happy, right? Then you can sleep peacefully, right? And you and Mary can live happily ever after, right? After all, why else would you suggest I do it?

You want to know a secret? It would actually give me great, great pleasure to fulfill your wish. To kill myself. Right there in front of you. As you lie on your bed. And before I do, I will tell you how Em told me that I know her pussy better than you do and that I give her REALLY good sex "therapy." And that she giggles and smiles widely after I come, because she "enjoys making me feel good."

And then, I will put that gun up to my head, and pull the trigger, and blow my fucking head off, right there.

That way, old friend, you can have so many great memories of me and our "friendship."

You can live the rest of your life with the image deeply engraved in your mind, of when you walked in on your girlfriend's naked body laying across mine. Seeing her head on my chest, her fingers on my clit, and the smile of pure enjoyment on both of our faces.

And you have the memory of her voice moaning with excitement as she knew she was bringing me closer and closer to the brink of an orgasm. And you can hear my voice as I tell her "yes, fuck yes, I'm coming."

Yes, the image of YOUR girlfriend, fucking ME, in YOUR bed.

Oh, poor thing. That hurts. It must hurt so bad.

But it's okay, you can feel better now, because you have a new memory.

You have a new vision engraved into your sad, sad brain.

You have the image of me, with a gun to my head. You will forever hear the echo of the gun as it exploded a bullet into my head. You will hear, Em's voice screaming. As MY blood spills onto YOUR bed.

Now, sleep old friend. Go to sleep with those images. Wouldn't that make you feel better? Wouldn't that bring peace to your poor, tortured soul? To your sad, sick, pathetic, self.

Wow. It feels even better transcribing it from paper onto the computer. I get such great pleasure from the fantasy. Oh, the irony.

I went to the support group meeting tonight and it went well. I needed it after everything that happened today.

As much as the pain I've been going through sucks, the meeting reminded me that it was necessary. Kay and I both have wanted to just shut the memory off. Not think about it or deal with it. That may be just fine for Kay, but I absolutely CANNOT do that. I have to remember the pain that I have caused myself and her and others because that will be my deterrent. That will be the motivation I need to stay sexually sober.

Strange Night. Good morning.

I had strange sex dreams last night.

I was having sex. With a male.  Who was only like thirteen.  I dreamt that I had to have sex with him to keep him quiet about something with my family.

I do not know where that came from.  Or do I?

I woke up really horny this morning.  I came on to Kay and we made love. It was really good. So passionate and sweet.  I love her so much.  I do want her to be my only lover. 

Good morning!

I have the SA meeting tonight. Im looking forward to it. Though, I never did call that lady about being my sponsor.

I'm scared about having a female as a sponsor.  I worry about temptation.

Or maybe that's just excuse.  I can come up with more.

It's time I start being honest.  With Kay, with you, but most importantly myself.

My Friend and Lover: Hope.

I feel better after messaging Em.  If anything, it gives me a sense of closure.  I wanted to end things on a positive note with her.  I hope this does it.

I keep thinking "she'll be back. It will be awhile, but I will hear back."

I don't know if I'm really sensing this or if it is just hope.  Because I'm afraid.

I hate that I have this attachment to her.  I'm not in love with her.  Not at all.

I'm in love with the lust she had for me.  I'm in love with attention.  I'm in love with acceptance.  I'm in love with being sexually attractive to someone.

Probably because so much of my life I have hated myself.

I'm lonely without Em.  She and I talked almost every day and often for long periods of time. We kept in closer contact with each other than I do with any other friend.  Now I feel so alone without her. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore.

I looked into the bipolar support group Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (http://www.dbsalliance.org/).  I attended the group for awhile about six years ago. They have one about a half hour away. I think I'm going to start going. I need people to talk.  I need to be around others. I need to make friends.

I'm sick of feeling isolated.

I'm starting to get tempted to act out sexually. I thought about going on craigslist to look at the girl-seeking-girl ads.  So far I have been able to avoid it.

I tried to seduce Kay.  She was in reading in bed.  I climbed into the bed naked and massaged her feet and rubbed her back.

She wasn't interested.  Rejection.

Right now, I feel like Hope is my only friend.  Hope is my lover.  I just hope that Hope doesn't reject me.

Depression, Suicide, and Hope

The depression has become very overwhelming. It's getting hard not to follow Jay's advice and off myself.

I told Kay that she should message Jay and tell her I cut my wrists and she found me unconscious.  Tell her they took me away in an ambulance to the hospital where I was in surgery for almost eight hours.  Say that I have had to receive blood transfusions and haven't regained consciousness yet.  And have had to be put on ventilatory support.

Maybe that would teach her something.

Then again, maybe she would reply with "good."

And that would just make everything worse.

I've thought about messaging Em with a suicide note and tell her to not bother calling the police because they won't be able to find me to stop me.

I've thought about going to Jay's house and shooting myself in the head in front of her.
I've really got to stop ruminating over these things. It certainly isn't helping anything.

I just feel so alone. I feel like I don't have any friends. They have either moved away or I've pushed them away because I come on too strong.  I flirt with all of them.

I'm addicted to the "flirtation game."  I'm addicted to lust.  I'm addicted to the feeling of being lusted after.

I'm an addict.

Everyone I meet, I think of as a possibility.  Someone to play the game with.  Some I could possibly seduce.

And now I feel like I have no one.  Except Kay.  And look how I've disrespected her.

I messaged a friend I thought I could really count on and asked her for her support.  I told her I needed her help to get through this.  She didn't respond.  Is it because she is mad at me?  Does she not want to be friends anymore?  Is she just too busy?  It hurts.  It fucking hurts.

The mutual friends, Kay and I share have all been messaging her, checking in on her, making sure she is okay.  I messaged them too and told them I need their support, do they check on me?  No.

I'm alone. I'm just fucking alone.

All I could do was lay in bed and sleep.  What else can I do? I can't face this pain anymore.

I'm trying to hard to find relief.

I tried the comfort food thing again.
Nothing really seems to work more than just temporarily.

A big part of this painful feeling was rejection from Em.  She not wanting me in her life was bringing me down so much.

Grasping at straws, I e-mailed her.  Here is what I wrote:

I promise, this will be the last time you will hear from me, unless you initiate contact and tell me otherwise. Jay has passed along that you said you want me out of your life and to quit trying to contact you. I will certainly respect that. I just wish you would have just told me yourself because I would have completely understood. I just want you to know that I never meant to do anything to hurt you, offend you, or disrespect you.

You ARE very important to me and I care about you immensely. I wish you nothing but happiness and success in life with whatever path you choose.

I am truly sorry for any pain I have caused you. Since Jay's message that you want me out of your life, I have been really struggling. I feel absolutely awful that I have caused you to harbor such feelings about me.

I am continuing with the support meetings and I have been given contact information for a sponsor. I really like the meetings and am ready to become a happier, healthier person.

I hope you find a lifetime of happiness and good health too. I will from now on respect your desire for me to leave your life, but if you ever need anything, please don't hesitate. There will always be a place in my heart for you. Sincerely...me

I wrote this with the hope that Jay lied.  I wrote this with the hope that she will "un-reject" me.  I wrote this with hope.

However, I don't have much faith in my hope.

Scars

A few days ago, I had given into temptation and e-mailed my ex-mistress, Em.  I had asked her to meet with me.  I never heard back.

Today Jay, Em's (ex?) girlfriend, sent Kay a message telling me to stop trying to contact Em, that neither of them want me in their life. That hurt.

Not because of Jay.  I could care less about her and her feelings about me. 

It hurt that Em told Jay that she was communicating with me.  It hurt that Em didn't want me in her life anymore.  I had a feeling that Em was upset with me.  I had tried to contact her several times since I had asked about meeting.  And nothing.  I saw this coming, but I didn't want to accept it.

Maybe Jay lied.

There's nothing, absolutely nothing, that I fear more than rejection.

I'm feeling pretty depressed, so I took half an antidepressant to try and make me feel better.  I take Lexapro 10 mg and have been for about 6 years now.  It has worked really well for me with no side effects.  I also take Lamictal 300 mg a day as a mood stabilizer.  I have been taking Lamictal for 7 years with a few increases over the years.  Also a great medicine for me with no side effects.

I'm trying to do things to make me feel better and get my mind off things.  Kay and I went to Steak and Shake for dinner. Nothing quite like good food and ice cream to comfort a person.  Didn't work as well as I had hoped.

We went to a "talent show" at the local university put on by the theater department.  We have several friends who are theater majors.  It was a lot of fun and I was able to escape for a bit and laughed a lot, but I have that nagging, hurt feeling still.

They say time heals all wounds.  But I have scars.  So many scars.  Will this wound scar me too?

But maybe a scar can serve as a reminder of the pain I have caused myself and others.  Maybe a scar can keep me from repeating my mistakes.  Maybe a scar, as ugly as it is, can be a good thing.

I hope I scar.

My Issues With The Twelve Steps. Or Not?

1.  We admitted that we were powerless over lust -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

I have no problem with this step, other than my personal issue with truly accepting that I am powerless and that my life has truly become unmanageable; however, I think it is a great place to start.  Deep down, I know that it applies to me.  That I'm suffering with denial.

2.  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Here is where I start to have issue with the twelve steps.  I don't know if I believe in God, or in this case, "a Power greater" than me and, if it does exist, that it can restore me to sanity.

Unfortunately, I think I have been so burned by life and by so-called Christians, that it has damaged the great faith I once had.

Also, being the stubborn, independent person that I am, I want to believe I can restore myself to sanity.

Then again, look how successful I have done it on my own thus far.

3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Again, I have no understanding of God.

If there is a God, I don't believe we can or ought to even attempt to turn our lives completely over to Him or It.

Even Christians believe we have free will.  I interpret this as us having the responsibility to live our lives and it is up to us to find a way to climb out of the hole we dug for ourselves.

4.  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I'm fine with this.

5.  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This works for me.

6.  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Here comes the God issue again.  I believe it is our job to remove our own defects.  We may need support and help from others, but I just don't believe that we can just sit back and say, "God, take all this away.  Please and thanks."

7.  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Ditto.

8.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Great idea!  I'm good with this.

9.  Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Very important step and I accept the importance of it.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Absolutely fine with this.


11.  Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Don't get me wrong, folks.  I absolutely do believe in life after death.  I do feel the presence of my loved ones who have passed on in my life.  I have had spiritual experiences from beyond that I cannot explain away with science, logic, or coincidence.  But, despite this, I have trouble accepting there being a God, or at least others' concepts of Him.

Well, it does repeatedly state, God as we understand Him.

Hmm...I think I'm starting to figure this out.

12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to sexaholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Wow.  I seriously think I just had a spiritual awakening.

I started this blog post with the intention of spouting about all the problems I have with the Twelve Steps and how they are so God-oriented.  But as I sat here and really analyzed what they said, I felt enlightened.

The purpose is for me to come to understand My Higher Power and to discover the concept of it that works for ME.

Maybe I don't have issues with it afterall.