Ringing In The New Year

With Kay working 7:30 a.m. New Year's Day, I flew solo for the eve's celebrations.  I went to a gal friend's house.  There were only a handful of us there.  (Names changed) My friend Liz, Liz's date (Kim), Liz's roommate Bri, and their friend Trey.

A nice and quiet, at-home celebration.  Well, as quiet as it can be with everyone on the guest list being sex-addicted gays with lots of alcohol at their disposal.

Liz wanted me.  There was no doubt about it.  She was trying to kiss on me all night, but I wasn't interested.

I wanted Bri.

I had met her once before and thought she was cute.  And she's even cuter when she's single, I'm flying solo, and we are both drunk.

Liz came up to me and told me, "If you want her, she'll take you."

I wanted her.  She took me.

Typically, I'm the dominant one, but Bri ran the show and I didn't care at all.  She was rough and that's how I like it.

Biting, hair pulling, tongue/nipple/clit sucking, finger fucking, and painful, rough sex.  The kind you feel for days after.

I'm still feeling it today.

In all my many years of sexual activity, I have had maybe five orgasms from oral sex.  Last night, that number doubled.

And then I can't even tell you how many orgasms I had from other modalities.

She spoiled me.  And I loved it.

We got up out of bed for a bit, but then it wasn't long before we went back for round two.

It was a great way to ring in the New Year.

Now...about those resolutions...

The G-word

I've been stuck at the first step of the 12-step program for several months now.

Besides the fact that I am not really willing to give up my addiction at this time, I am also stuck because of the big G word that shows up starting in step 2.

God.

I grew up Mormon, and I was intensely wrapped up in it for a long time, to the point of unhealthiness; however, the one good thing I can say about that time in my life was that I had a strong spiritual connectedness.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of bad things happen in my life, and I became angry.  Like many people, I directed my anger toward God, and I lost faith.

I am definitely not in a place where I can believe in God.  But I am in a place where I am starting to feel a spiritual connection once again.  My belief is that it comes from those who love me and have passed on.

I find the more I turn to them and the more I listen to my "intuition," the more I receive guidance and assistance.

So what do I do about the 12 steps?

Curtesy of Agnostic Alcoholic's Anonymous in NYC, I found this great alternative to the 12-step program:
http://www.agnosticaanyc.org/12steps.html

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe and to accept that we needed strengths beyond our awareness and resources to restore us to sanity. [Original: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.] 3. Made a decision to entrust our will and our lives to the care of the collective wisdom and resources of those who have searched before us. [Original: Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.]   4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.   5. Admitted to ourselves without reservation, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. [Original: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.]   6. Were ready to accept help in letting go of all our defects of character. [Original: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.]   7. With humility and openness sought to eliminate our shortcomings. [Original: Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.]   8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.   9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.   10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.   11. Sought through meditation to improve our spiritual awareness and our understanding of the AA way of life and to discover the power to carry out that way of life. [Original: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.]   12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I would like to try and move forward using these steps, and I will try to keep you updated on how well that works out for me.

Stooping Low

Oh my gosh.  Am I really doing this?

I am looking at personal ads on Craigslist.  What?  Could I get any lower?

That's guaranteed trouble right there.

I'm so horny.

Alyssa, my fling, has too many obligations and responsibilities to be there as much as I want, and it's getting really frustrating.

My girlfriend, Kay, isn't providing me with enough sex.

But I wonder if it is ever possible for me to get enough.

Maybe I need to find a new relationship.  Maybe I need another fling.

Maybe I need to go back to taking my medicine every other day.

Maybe it's time to get back on the recovery track. 

Mind Games

Alyssa pissed me off the other night.

We were at my internship and everyone had left.  It was just me and her.  They had let everyone go early because of inclement weather, so my girlfriend and her husband wouldn't have been expecting us for awhile anyway. Of course I wasn't going to miss this opportunity to try to seduce her.

We were walking out when I pressed her up against the wall, threw all the stuff she had been holding down on the floor, and started kissing her.  Her tongue deeply entered my mouth, and mine into hers.  I slipped my hand under her shirt, running my fingers down her sides, and felt goosebumps erupt over her skin.  I cupped her breast with one hand and grabbed her ass with the other as I kissed her neck.  I then ran my finger along the waistline of her pants and grabbed her belt.  I asked, "Are you sure you have to go right now?

She said she did because her husband was freaking out about the weather and that I should think of it this way, "it will only make you want me more"....and then she added, "and make me want you more."

I should have fought her on it, I'm sure she would have caved, but I'm just not like that.

She took me home, and I set her up to get "revenge" for leaving with the girl's version of "blue balls."  Blue clit, perhaps?

I sent her a text saying, "Baby, you made my pussy so wet."

She responded, "Mmmm, I wanna taste that."

In return, I said, "Well, you could have. I was right there in your hands, and you let me slip away.  Maybe next time you will take advantage of me."

I wanted her to feel like she missed out.  I did want to make her really miss me.

She texted back, "I will keep that in mind next time."

I've decided I want to play a little hard to get and make her come begging to me.  I want the feeling back of her pursuing and trying to seduce me, and I want to be the one in control of what happens next.

In the beginning, it was her that was pursuing me, and once I knew she was interested, I became the one initiating and putting her in control.  This often left me rejected or disappointed because of her other obligations.

I've had enough of that.

I didn't text her all day yesterday, when I would often text her in the morning, around lunch, and at about bedtime.  She ended up texting me at 10 o'clock last night, "Good night sweetie.  By the way, I left you a present at [my internship].  Sweet dreams."

It seems like my plan is working.  I got her to initiate the conversation with me, instead of me always having to do it.

I replied with "I have a present for you under my clothes."

To which she responded "Mmmm...I can't wait to unwrap that."

After that I didn't text back.

Like I said, I want to "play hard to get," but I also don't want her to think I'm no longer interested or for her to lose interest, so now I have to find a balance.

I didn't text her this morning, but I did around lunch time.  I just said "Hey beautiful.  I've just been thinking of you and hope your day is going all right.  xoxo."

Her response was "Hey gorgeous!  Busy as usual [at work].  Thanks for the well-wishes.  Same to you."

The plan is to not send a text to her the rest of the day, unless she initiates the conversation.

So that's the game right now.

Recent Insight

I've recently gained a lot of insight into myself.

My whole childhood revolved around sex.  Incest, molestations, rape, sex with my girl friends, and masturbation dominated my life from the ages of about five until fourteen.  It felt all of my peer relationships involved sex, including the relationship with myself.

The friendships I had with girls that included sex lasted for years.  The friendships with no sex, never lasted.

I grew to associate love and friendship with sex.  I began to believe that unless I was satisfying someone sexually, I was useless to them.  I felt like an object.

I still have all of those feelings.  But now they are more than just feelings.  They are habits.  They are ingrained into me.

Every friendship I have with a girl, I try to seduce them.  Even if I'm not attracted to them.  It just feels like it is a given.  Like it is suppose to happen.

When I have my affairs and flings, I find that when I sex with them, I am more concerned with pleasing them than with being pleased myself.  I want to hear them orgasm.  I want to hear them tell me I'm good and amazing.  I want them to desire me and lust after me.  I want them to want more of me.

I realized why that is.  Because I want to be of worth.  I want to be worth something to someone.  I want someone to think I'm something special.  That I'm good at something and good for something.

After all, I'm just an object.  An instrument to use.  What good is a knife that doesn't cut?  Or a car that doesn't run?  Or me that doesn't sexually please?

They are all useless.

When I engage in flirting, I flower the person with praise of their beauty and sexiness.  I constantly reassure them how much I want them.  Sometimes I do it and I do not even really mean it.  That's what I did with Em.  I lied to her about being attracted to her and that I thought she was beautiful.

I do it because I want to hear it back.  I want to hear that I'm beautiful and sexy and desirable.  Maybe they would be lying to me, like I've lied to some of them.  It doesn't matter.  I just want to hear it because then maybe I will believe it.  And it just might be true.

So now that I know all of these things, what do I do with this knowledge?

I have to correct my thoughts and change my way of thinking.  I have to find self-worth.

That should be easy, right?

Saturday Night Rumble

Saturday night Alyssa and I got a hotel room.

When we got there. I wrapped my arms around her from behind.  She leaned into me and turned her face back toward me to kiss, but I teased and wouldn't let her.  I kissed her neck, nibbled her ear, and slipped a hand under shirt and ran my fingers across her stomach.  I moved toward her lips, and she leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled away again, and returned to her neck.

Finally, I let her kiss me.  I then turned her around to face me and pulled her body against mine and kissed her deeply.  I pushed her down onto the bed and climbed on top of her.  As I kissed her lips, her neck, and tugged at her hair, she unbuttoned her blouse.  I put my hand behind her back and lifted her up and pulled off her shirt and bra, and she pulled off mine.  She sucked my nipple and gently nibbled it.

I laid her back down and kissed her chest, cupped her breast, and pinched her nipple.  Kissing down her stomach, I tugged off her pants.  My kisses traveled downward and my nails scratched down her side.  I could hear her moan.  Her hips raised off the bed, beckoning for me.

I kissed down further and bit the inside of her thigh. Kissing closer and closer to her clit, but stopping right before it. I blew on her clit, teasing her. Then ran my tongue very lightly across it. She moaned.  I grabbed her hips, pulled her body into my face, and I tasted her.  She was so delicious.

I slowly ran my tongue from her vagina up to her clit multiple times, drinking up her cum.  I finally concentrated on her clit.  Her body tensed, her moans intensified, and she played with her nipples.  I felt her body tremble as she orgasmed.  I pushed my tongue into her vagina as far as I could, and sucked up her juices.  I repeated the process making her orgasm again, and she told me I was amazing.

I slipped out of my pants, laid next to her, and pulled her on top of me.  She grinded her pussy against my thigh.  She put her leg between mine. She rode me until we both came.  I then climbed on top of her and rode her, my pussy grinded against hers, my cum dripped down onto her as I orgasmed.

We rested for a bit, her legs wrapped around me, my head on her chest.

I then returned to her pussy and gave her oral again.  She orgasmed multiple times.  I climbed back on top of her and she kissed me deeply so she could taste herself.

I could tell I had exhausted her, and rolled off, and laid at her side.  Our naked bodies pressed tightly against one another, and we fell asleep.

In the morning, we fucked all over again.  She laid with her back against my chest, and I used my fingers to make her cum.  She then turned around and used her fingers on me and made me orgasm.  I then ate her pussy until my tongue was sore.   I climbed on top of her, kissed her deeply.

But it was time to go, we had to check out of the hotel and get home because a snow storm was starting.

It was a great time.  Later that night we chatted for a bit on Facebook.  She said I was awesome and was like the energizer bunny.  I told her I could have gone longer, I have a lot of endurance, like an athlete I told her.

It's true, I could have fucked her all night, as long as we had little breaks for me to get some hydration every so often.

She was tired though because she had been working overtime all week, plus she had had a couple of drinks, so I'm sure that was making her sleepy.

I missed my sexaholic meeting last night.  It wasn't intentional.  I actually did lose track of time.

But it appears I have derailed from the tracks of recovery at this point.

It's Been One Week...

A week ago I went back up on my Lexapro, taking 5 mg every day.

I think I have found a happy medium.  I'm not as activated as I was at 10 mg, but not as emotional as at 5 mg every other day.

I definitely have my sex drive back.

Things have gotten pretty sexually tense between Alyssa and me.  We have been sexting, sending sexy pictures, and making out several times a week, but it hasn't worked out that we have been able to have sex since the Monday before Thanksgiving.

We had a pretty hot and heavy makeout session tonight, but then she had to go get her son.  I get home and a guy friend is crashing on our couch.  Our place is too small and the couch is right outside our bedroom door.  No sex from Kay tonight either.  It's been several days since we've made love.

I am getting so sexually frustrated.

Alyssa invited me to a party Saturday night and said we could get a hotel room and spend the night together.  That would be amazing.  But I have to try and convince Kay of this.

I need sexual release so bad.

I am heading completely the wrong direction on my recovery.  The addiction is too strong for me right now.  I've gotten to where I don't even want to recover anymore.